when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
