He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
