miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
