on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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