you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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