bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
do nipples grow back?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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