walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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