so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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