Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
