i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
