He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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