Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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