Soap is not a condiment
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
