did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
