my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
