Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i now understand why vodka
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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