Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
not ubering you a puppy
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