$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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