I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You coming home soon, man?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.