I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?