i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!