I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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