Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
