Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
