Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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