i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
