Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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