How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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