My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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