I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
