I'm so fucking centered right now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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