Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
