I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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