i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
