I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
