It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
