New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
