He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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