I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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