My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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