I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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