right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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