It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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