my mouth tastes like poor choices
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This toilet bowl is my home.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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