Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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