oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
