i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
