I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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