Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
