Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
