Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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