here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i think i have herpe
just one?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
