So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
