wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
