I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
